So I pretty much fail at this whole blogging thing. I’m going to try to be better.

We pass over the last several months in silence. Not really, but it’s just been too crazy for me to summarize it without writing an encyclopedia. Pretty much insane, but I’ve learned a ton and it’s been good.

The reason I’m picking back up now is to tell you about my epiphany. I will do my very best not to wax preachy and philosophical, but this kind of rocked my world, so I’m going to try to explain it.

It was a dark and stormy night…no it was not. It was a couple weeks ago. Background: I’ve been having a bit of a dry patch spiritually the last couple months, not really getting much out of the Bible, being really busy and not making much time to really seek God. Out of that came a realization that I know a lot about God but don’t know Him really well personally. Life has been crazy and I’ve been praying a lot for wisdom and guidance, a lot. I decided a couple weeks ago to start reading the Gospels in an attempt to get to know Jesus better.

And then boom, epiphany. I was reading along in Matthew, asking God to show me Himself, and give me wisdom about stuff. And Jesus was teaching the disciples the Lord’s Prayer and I got to the part where He says “Give us today our daily bread.” And God kind of exploded that in my mind. He was like, you want to know Me? You want Me to guide your life? Well, I want that too, and it’s a daily thing like every other relationship. I’m not going to just show up randomly and give you answers and pearls of wisdom here and there. I want to be the most important thing in your life and I want you to trust me with every single thing in your life. The way I will give you wisdom is not by giving you hard and fast long-term answers. I want you to walk through every single day and every interaction with Me, trust Me in everything and I’ll give you wisdom day by day.

He reminded me that I can’t control my life or what’s going to happen. The only thing I can do is to keep Him as the center and priority in my life: the One I love most and trust completely for everything. Every single thing that happens every day is a gift from Him and a chance for me to trust Him. And when I’m really trusting Him every moment is when He is most glorified.

Just before the Lord’s Prayer Jesus talks about how you cannot serve both God and Money. I’d never really gotten that before but it makes sense now. Money gives security, trusting it is a way of being self-sufficient and relying on yourself. God wants us to rely on Him daily for everything, not to put our trust in the money we’ve saved up against a rainy day.

My studio just opened Godspell on Broadway. One of the better known songs is “Day by Day”, the chorus has become my motto:

Day by day, oh dear Lord, three things I pray

To see thee more clearly

Love thee more dearly

Follow thee more nearly

Day by day.

Poetry, say whaaat?

So rumor has it that I have become a poet. It is in fact true. Never having written a poem in my life until now, I have so far this week composed six.

It’s really weird. But I can’t help it; they just keep coming out and I have to write them down. I think it’s a way of me processing things. Just the random little things that I think about all the time.

I post them here for your viewing pleasure. In chronological order.

#1

Little red light

You don’t rule me

Why am I so dependent on you

I know I’m lonely, I get it

You seem like the gate to heaven

I don’t want to be that person

Always waiting for someone to call

Feeling like nobody loves me

Lost in self-pity and angst

But I know I need people

Technology helps me reach out

So, little red light, come by more often

You’re always welcome here

Letting me know someone cares

#2

Shadow vibrations

Waiting for you to call

Phantom elations

Hoping this time it’s for real

Texts two times

More for a phone call

Buzzing away in my jeans

To check now

Or savor the moment

Anticipate what you might say

But half the time it’s nothing

Isn’t you writing me back

Not a long-lost rich uncle

No quick text just to say hi

Instead it’s my shadow vibrations

My butt is making stuff up

Loneliness hope and dreams meet

One golden moment of glee

But then reality strikes

#3

Other people’s bodies

Sleek smooth skin

Muscles moving underneath

Wrinkles scars and spots

Tattoos and metal rings

History on your skin

How you want to appear

Contrasts with you are

Where were you when you got that burn?

Why did you choose that tattoo?

How much do you work out to look like that?

Did that piercing hurt?

What let you to that haircut?

What does that necklace mean?

Your body reads like a book

Scars recording your past

But they are only suggestions

Shadows of things that have been

Only you know the whole tale

And then there’s body language

What a conundrum

Bravado hides insecurity

iPods and books cover fear

Fear of what could happen

If we looked in each other’s eyes

And actually saw someone there

#4

I wear my sunglasses

Face is bland and empty

Look at you then through you

Never engage

You are not real people

Only terrors to be avoided

Walking question marks

Earbuds are earplugs

To any sound you make

A book fills my vision

Or I close my eyes

Can’t let anyone near

Animated bubbles

Never close enough to pop

Alone in our fear and shame

If we only realized

We are so much the same

#5

I can see your shoulders through your shirt

Muscles rippling smoothly

There’s your arm near mine

Shapely and strong

You don’t know you’re beautiful

Your hand is a wonder

Crisscrossed by veins

Long fingers, strong palms

I can see your bones

It’s a strange thing

Another body close to mine

So similar, but other

Unique, complete, and separate

There’s a romance and a power there

Another soul next to mine

I feel your energy

Watch you breathe

Wonder what you’re thinking

#6

“Hey gorgeous!”

Quiet mutter from a passing stranger

Leering call from the man in the car

I walk on, my shoulders stiffen

I relax and shrug it off

“Mamma sita, you are bonita!”

What do you expect me to do?

Is there a purpose to a catcall?

No respect, no hope for relationship

All that interests you is my body

If that’s all you want

I want nothing to do with you

I’m not an object for you to use

I’m have a soul, thoughts, and ideas

Somehow I think you might, too

“Why are you so beautiful?”

Don’t know, don’t care

Conversation over, I’m out

You gotta have more than an opening line

Have a conversation or leave me alone

Good Times

I had a lovely 4^th of July weekend. Worked all day at the frameshop on Saturday. It was ok, but I was a little out of sorts and it was a little stressful. I felt like I was really strung out on caffeine most of the day, but I’d hardly had any coffee at all, so I don’t know what was going on. Maybe something to do with the fact that I woke up at 6am for no apparent reason and thereby lost a couple hours of sleep. We did have some fun jokes, though, and soon enough the workday was done. Caitlin was due to arrive any time, so I stepped into one of the bars I like near the shop and had a quick beer while I waited for her. It was a good decision: helped me to relax and let work go and transition to spending time with Caitlin.

Her bus arrived and we found each other and took a leisurely walk down through the Village in search of food, catching each other up on our lives as we went. We ate outside at an Italian pizzeria and drank about 15 glasses of water as we continued to chat. Eventually we decided to continue on and headed towards the Hudson. We enjoyed the lights on the Jersey shore and meandered uptown next to the river. We walked a little bit of the Highline, and then headed to Chitos (because I have to make sure that every person I know goes there at some point :-P). David joined us after a bit and we had a great time laughing and talking and sipping delicious margaritas. Caitlin started to fade around 1:30 so we said goodnight and went home.

Sunday we woke up in time to head down to Chelsea for breakfast before I had to work. Ended up eating at a French bakery where we each got a chocolate croissant and a large coffee, which they served in bowls. We had a lovely philosophical conversation, which I enjoyed so much that I lost track of time and was a couple minutes late to work. But no one cared. It was a slow day at the shop, combination of rain and the holiday weekend. I worked by myself in the back and listened to my iPod, which I never do at work and thoroughly enjoyed. We closed early at 3pm and transitioned to our company BBQ. Which started on the rooftop as planned, but had to move to the shop basement because it started to rain again. The food was ok, decent BBQ, and we all brought our own beer (Caitlin bought us some Sierra Nevada). The party was not the greatest, not a lot of people came and there was a weird awkward vibe. I had a few good conversations with individual people, but the group dynamic was weird.

Afterwards Caitlin and I decided to walk to City Hall Park to see a sculpture exhibit I’ve been wanting to visit. It was a lovely walk over, very leisurely, and accompanied by good conversation (the theme of the weekend). The sculptures ended up being fairly disappointing, but there was a lovely fountain with gas-burning lanterns that we sat next to for a very long time. Just sat, not talking. It was really cool to be with someone and be so comfortable that we didn’t feel like we had to talk. Eventually we decided to continue on, and so we walked the Brooklyn Bridge, across to Brooklyn and back again. It was a lovely evening and the Manhattan skyline was gorgeous. We had a fascinating conversation about Mormonism which transitioned into one about science, evolution, and philosophy as we headed up the east side. Around 1030 we got hungry so we ate dinner at an Indian place (very delicious) and eventually headed home, arriving around 1am.

Monday we took it easy and slept in. Got breakfast at a diner in my neighborhood, and headed downtown around noon. We got off at Central Park and took a long meandering walk around, accompanied by more good conversation. We sat on a bench for a while and watched people go by, then walked down the west side looking for food. Which took longer than planned, but eventually and after a few mishaps we got some at a diner. It was getting late in the afternoon so we continued to head down to her bus, but stopped in Hell’s Kitchen at a French café to split a carafe of sangria and a complimentary plate of olives. And then we headed to her bus. Which she got on and was whisked away around 630pm. I’m so glad she came up; we had a lovely visit. It was great to reconnect.

My plans for the evening were up in the air for a bit so I hung around in Chelsea and proceeded to search for a restroom. All the Starbucks had closed theirs for the holiday, which I thought was lame, so after some wandering I went to Chitos. Which you’re not supposed to use unless you’re a customer but I felt that I am such a regular there that it wasn’t a big deal. And they didn’t seem to mind. As I waited for my plans to firm up I sat in park and read and listened to patriotic songs played on church bells and watched the hordes of people heading towards the river to get spots to see the fireworks. Literal hordes. And I hate crowds. Because of this I’d asked David if I could come over and watch the fireworks from his roof. And eventually he got back to me with a yes, so I headed over around 830. And we had a lovely evening. We drank beers, ate chips and salsa, and watched the fireworks from his roof. We had a pretty good view and the show itself was awesome. My favorites may have been the smiley face fireworks, but there were lots of awesome sparkly shimmery ones too.

After the show we watched the hordes returning from the river and felt so lucky and smart that we were on a roof and not down on the street. We went inside and hung out for a while, played with the cat and got into a long awesome conversation that started with the founding fathers, racism, and the civil war and ended with psychology and the brain and how it works. Very interesting stuff. I left around 1am, made it home and to bed by 230, and got up and headed back to the studio this morning. It was a long slow day, I did a script breakdown of a new show we’re doing about the Laker/Celtic rivalry (excellent, by the way) and struggled to stay awake after my long weekend of partying.

I think my recovery will be a bit slower than normal but it was 100% worth it. I had a lot of fun, a lot of great conversations, and thoroughly enjoyed my day off of work. I feel tired but restored and happy.

And two more weeks have flown by. Things at the internship have continued to improve. I did a few drafting projects after my model projects, but then started doing real things. We had a fast approaching deadline for the Godspell model, so I spent a lot of time working on that. I got to go to the bid session for that show this week, which is where the design is presented to several scene shops who then come up with estimates for how much it will cost them to build, and whoever is cheapest gets the bid. Very interesting. I’ve done some small research stuff, run random errands, and have been working on a wallpaper project for A Doll’s House. I’ve made a couple trips to this awesome wallpaper store to collect samples for David, and have been doing lots of Photoshop work making renderings for him and the director that show the various options in the model.

David has been back in town for a week now and he’s a real bundle of energy. I’m getting used to having him around and find it very interesting to listen to his interactions with people in production meetings and around the studio. He’s purposely trying to let me see as much of what he does as possible, which I really appreciate. He’s really nice and handles the incredible amounts of stress that he’s under very well. Yesterday he got nachos for us all and we ate them together and then started our long weekend early by leaving work at 430.

We just found out that Chinglish, the new show that David was teching in Chicago a couple weeks ago, has become a huge hit and is transferring to Broadway in the fall. So that’s exciting. And we started a new project called Magic/Bird. I’m working on analyzing the script and can’t wait to read the rest of it: it’s about the Laker/Celtics rivalry in the 80s.

Things have gotten much better on the hanging out front. I’ve been scheduling people in and have greatly enjoyed spending time with them. I hung out with Stephanie both weeks: we did a picnic on the piers by the Hudson the first week and dinner at an Italian place this week. I love hanging with her. I also got to enjoy Mexican with Liz, my small group leader, and eat with Caroline from small group as well.

Also I’ve managed some very restorative alone time. I played in the rain last week. We got this torrential rainstorm and I was outside and didn’t have any reason particularly not to get wet, so I stayed out in it and walked around and got completely drenched and had a lovely time. Then went to small group and froze in the air conditioning for the rest of the night, but hey. It was worth it. Last Saturday after work I went back to the Chelsea Piers and sat by the water and watched the boats for a couple hours and enjoyed the breeze. It was lovely. And Thursday this week I took a beautiful long walk across Manhattan from east side to west side. I made it to the Hudson just as the sun was going down. The weather has been so beautiful recently, I’ve loved being outside every chance I can get.

So I’m adjusting to my new life. I do miss the frameshop still a lot, and just the comfortable happy existence I had there. I’m definitely being stretched in new ways at the studio, but I am learning a ton and am getting happier being there. I know I’m where God wants me right now, which makes all the difference.

1 week down, 23 to go

Last week was very long. I spent 40 hours at the studio and am happy to say it got better every day. Monday was exhausting. David, the designer, was out of town teching a show so I was shown around by the rest of the studio. There’s 3 other people there full time: Rod and Amanda, David’s associate designers, and Sarah, the office administrator. Two days a week another girl named Sarah, who we call Mucks, comes in as well. The first day I spent entirely on the computer, something I hadn’t really done since college. My assignment was to build a model from the drafting of a past show, so I spent the day looking through all the drafting and then drafting my templates of what to cut out to build the model with. When I got home I was so tired that I went to bed at 10pm.

The rest of the week I pretty much worked on my model. I would send photos to David every night and he would write back with comments. I finished the first version after a couple days and Amanda critiqued it for me and gave suggestions and then I built it again. It was cool to have a second chance to change some of my methods, fix mistakes, and focus on getting faster.

The environment at the studio has proved to be a big adjustment. It’s basically the complete opposite of the frameshop: I sit most of the day, whereas at the shop I’m always on my feet and usually moving. We don’t talk much, because everyone is focused on their different jobs, whereas at the shop we talk constantly and laugh most of the day. There’s usually no music (though we did play some for a little one day, which was amazing), whereas at the shop we always have music going. And there’s only 4 of us, whereas at the shop there’s all my coworkers and then all the clients to interact with. And it’s in midtown, which is crowded and full of skyscrapers and people in suits, as opposed to Chelsea, which is much more relaxed and casual and artsy. It’s basically working in an office, which is something I’ve intentionally avoided for years. But I am adjusting. I missed the shop very much all week, but it bothered me less as the week went on.

A couple times I went out on errands, which I thoroughly enjoyed because it meant I got to move and be outside. I dropped some paperwork off at a job sight one day, and then moved a bunch of stuff down to our Brooklyn storage unit with Sarah another day.

Wednesday was small group, which was really good, and Thursday I talked with Remus for a long time, which was awesome. Saturday I went back to the frameshop. It was so good to go back. We were low on people because a few of them were out of town, but it was a good day anyway. I spent most of it working with David, which is always lots of fun. Laura arrived after work and we went to Chitos for dinner and then took a lovely walk through the Village. We came home around 10 and sat around talking until 2am. Sunday we got brunch in Chelsea, then I worked for 6 hours while she wandered around the city, then we took another lovely walk around Chelsea and the piers. We got an amazing Thai dinner and frozen yogurt as well, and continued wandering around until her train left around 915. It was so good to spend time with her—we had a ton of fun and lots of good conversation.

And this morning I went back to the studio. David’s still gone this week, and I’m continuing with my model building. I switched to model furniture today. I’m trying to plan friends activities because I was very lonely several evenings last week. Tomorrow night I’m hanging out with Stephanie, which will be awesome.

A side note of a curious coincidence in my life that I don’t think I can spend a whole post on but deserves noting: the preponderance of men in my life who are named David. It all started with Uncle David and David Sewall, but things really picked up once I got to college. There I dated a David, was really good friends with another David, and worked in the shop for a David. All of them were huge influences on me. Then I got to the city and one of my best friends here is a David, Susan Hilferty’s husband who has mentored me a little is a David, and now I’m interning for a David. If fact, of the guys I know, I almost feel like more of them are named David than aren’t. An odd coincidence, but I find it very amusing.

Hey it’s me again. After the overwhelming success of my last post (finally got a comment 6 days after posting), I’m going to grace you all with even more of my thoughts.

I was on the subway going to work on Saturday and was thinking about the internship and the change that’s happening in my life, and I suddenly got really happy about it. Extremely excited, and really happy. I’ve been a bit apprehensive because I feel like I’m being uprooted from my frameshop-and-small-shows-world that I’ve been building since August. I moved here and spent the past year making friends and building a comfortable and happy existence that was self-sufficient and enjoyable. It was slow growth but it was comfortable. And in the last couple months I finally felt like everything was where I wanted it to be. My friendships are growing well, I love the people I’m around, church is good, work is great. I finally had a routine. And now, all of a sudden, it’s all changing again.

But, though I’m still a little nervous, on the subway I realized how awesome that is. Comfort and routine is all well and good I suppose, but it doesn’t make you grow very much, it doesn't make you very alive. Now I get to start from scratch again, build up from the ground. New people and a new workplace with a huge learning curve staring me in the face. I can throw myself fully into this; I kind of visualize it as hurling my entire body against a wall to see what happens. And not in the sick and twisted way that that sounds, but in an excited and happy way. I get to really live and work my hardest. I’ve always loved challenges, and this is a big one. But it’s not as scary as it sounds: vestiges of the comfortable life I built are still definitely there. I now have a good support system up here, friends from small group, school, work, and theatre. I fully intend to rely heavily on them to get me through the internship.

It’s an opportunity to reinvent myself, to shake up my life again. I can drop the habits that I’ve formed as part of my routine more easily than I would if I stayed in it. I plan to start exercising again. I’m hoping to start running again, starting slow at small amounts twice a week and hopefully sticking with it and building up from there. Crunches will happen again, and pushups will continue. I hope to drink less coffee and less alcohol. That may be dreaming, but that’s the goal. J

I will have most of my evenings free now, so I’m going to work hard to schedule in my friends to make sure I keep my social life alive and therefore keep myself sane. I want to read more and remember how to enjoy the little things in life.

But best of all, this shakeup will make me depend more directly and immediately on God again. I’ll be a little closer to desperation on a daily basis, which is a good place to be when it comes to God. I’m looking forward to learning to rely on and trust Him more.

Lately

Wow. Don’t know what to say. Or where to start. And feel slightly lame for being overly dramatic about it. But hey, that’s the way I am.

So the last several weeks have been crazy and feel more like the last several decades. Things have been great and I’ve had a wonderful time, but it’s just been a lot going on. It would take way to long to talk about everything, and I doubt I still remember it all, so I’m just going to do highlights.

Picking up from where I left off, I did the scenic art for Alex’s show at the Metropolitan. It was called One Third of a Nation and was about the history of tenement buildings in New York. We played a lot with turning the space into the interior of a run down tenement building: there was lots of peeling wallpaper, water and mold damage, a broken down staircase, and dirt. I had a lot of fun playing with different effects and Alex paid me well. The show itself was incredible: beautifully staged and really really interesting. The theatre was awarded an OBIE a couple weeks ago for best off or off-off Broadway theatre this season, which is a really big deal. It was awarded for the season as a whole; I am very proud of them all because I was able to be very involved in 3 of their 4 shows this year.

Right after I finished at Metropolitan, Jon Collins called me to ask if I could assist on RENT, a project he was assisting on that opens off-Bway in July. So I pulled some strings and took time off from work and spent the better part of 2 weeks helping build model pieces and running errands. It was a good experience and I learned a lot. Mainly it’s a cool resume credit. I put in a lot of extra days at work to make up for the time I was taking off, so didn’t really take any weekends for about 2 months all told with all the shows and everything.

Around this time, the beginning of May, the weather was starting to get nice and I started to get spring fever. So I sort of conned an invitation from David from work to come to a barbeque at his and Hannah’s apartment. They have a sweet place in Chelsea with a small balcony. I came over after work one Sunday and we grilled burgers outside. And watched the end of the last Lakers game (they laughed at me as we were humiliated by the Mavs). And hung out and talked. It was a great time. I got sick from the vodka we were drinking so ended up sleeping on their couch for the night. David still enjoys teasing me about it.

The next week was my birthday. My small group got me a cake as did the frameshop. I hate it when people don’t tell people about their birthdays, so I planned a party at the Mexican place near my job and invited my coworkers, small group people, and pretty much everyone else I know in the city. I was a bit nervous about hosting a party, but it ended up being tons of fun. About 15 to 20 people came out over the course of the 5 hours I was at the restaurant. Christy was coming up to visit for the weekend so she was there and David and a couple others from work came, and my roommate, and lots of small group girls. It was cool to have all the different people from my life here meet each other. It was hard to talk to everyone, so I kind of facilitated conversations at first but ended up mostly talking with Christy and David. I drank many margaritas, not sure of the exact number. J Around 11 everyone left except me Christy and David; we stayed a bit longer and then David walked us down to the subway station and we came home and crashed. It was a great birthday; I thoroughly enjoyed it.

The next weekend I caught the train home for Remus’ graduation from college. It was a lovely visit: so good to take a break and see the fam and see Remus say goodbye to college. I was proud. We spent a fantastic evening with the Chapmans catching up on everyone’s lives. Some of my favorite people in the world. Had a great meal at Rio Grande which was lovely. But it was too short a visit: Daddy kindly drove me to the train early on Sunday morning, I was the last person on board, made it back to the city, and went straight to the shop for a full day of work.

And as soon as I got off work I met up with Meg who had come up for a weeklong visit and to attend a theatre conference. We had a great but busy week. She had to be at the conference most of the time and I worked a lot, but we did manage to have dinner together most nights and do some fun stuff. Like me getting my tattoo. It was fun, not too painful. I was a bit nervous, but actually the whole thing was pretty casual. I am very happy with it, very happy I got it. Every time I see it in the mirror I smile. It’s healed beautifully, no complications or itchiness or anything. As of today I’ve completed the 2 weeks care period, so I can now premier it to the unsuspecting world!

The last night of Meg’s visit I had gotten us tickets to go to a concert in Brooklyn to see Fang Island, a band that David introduced me to. I invited Stephanie to come too and we had a ton of fun. The evening started off a bit stressfully because my phone died and I had no way of meeting up with them after work, but the good folks at the Verizon store let me charge it for a couple minutes and I was able to find them. The concert was at 1130 so we had several hours to kill, so we went down to Brooklyn and took a really long walk around. Probably walked a couple miles. Eventually stopped into a biergarten for drinks and then found this awesome delicious and cheap southern-food place that had an outdoor garden to eat in. We loved the concert: the band was fantastic, brilliant musicians, great music, good crowd. It was a good night.

Meg left the next morning and I dragged myself out of bed in time to go downtown to tech my show. My latest design gig was at the Access Theater, same group of people I did Nance O’Neil with in the fall. They were doing a one-act play festival of 9 pieces directed by 3 people, and hired me to do the design. I’d been working on it for the past month and had been very frustrated: it was hard to work with so many people and communication was terrible; they kept changing their minds about things and not telling me about it. Anyway, we teched it over the weekend and got it up and running. We opened last Wednesday. I’m so happy to be done with it; it was cool to have another show and fun to see those people again, but it was messy and I felt that most of my ideas were sacrificed to the need to just get the thing open.

So that was last week. And then my entire life changed. I found a set design internship at a major Broadway designer’s studio and went in for an interview. And the designer gave me a huge wakeup call about the need to really pursue design if that’s actually what I want to do. Long story short, I’m going to intern for him for the next 6 months, Monday through Friday, and work at the frameshop on the weekends. It’ll be long, it’ll be hard, but I hope to learn a ton and get good experience and good perspective from it. I’m going to try very hard to rest through it and not get all bent out of shape about working 7 days a week and not having a ton of money. At the end of the day, it’s too good an opportunity to pass up, I can’t say no to it. I really feel that this is what God wants me to do; He’s basically thrown this in my lap without me even looking for it. I’m gonna need a ton of prayer to get through this, but right now I’m really excited about this new chapter.

My brain has been spinning all week as I readjust to the new everything. But I’ve still had fun. I’ve finally put all my files on my new beautiful mac (which I love!!!). On Friday I went out with David and Hannah for drinks and then to a BBQ place for dinner; it was so much fun to hang out with them. Saturday I met Stephanie and we went to a delicious Italian place in the Village for sangria and awesome food. We sat outside and caught up and she paid because it was my birthday dinner. J Sunday I went to church for the first time in a while; it was good. Excellent sermon from Keller on God as our Father. Definitely something I needed to hear.

And this weekend I’m vegetating. It’s my last free weekend until December, so today I’m doing absolutely nothing. I slept in until 11, and have been watching Gilmore Girls and am now writing to you all. I’m staying in my pajamas all day, am not leaving the apartment, and plan to order in some delivery for dinner. Tomorrow I’ll do all my errands and laundry and small group and transition back into life. And then it’s onward and upward.

Tattoos

As some of you know and some of you are just-now finding out, I am planning on getting a tattoo next month. This post is intended as explanation and conversation starter.

Backstory: I’ve always been interested in tattoos and started to seriously consider getting one early in college. I dallied about for a while, unsure of the image I would get. About three years ago I decided on the Celtic Cross knot. I have pondered it long and hard since then and finally feel that I am ready and certain that I want it permanently marked on my body. The specific design was done by my friend Sarah several months ago. This is the image.


I will be getting it on my right shoulder blade.

The obvious questions are: why are you getting a tattoo? And why are you getting this particular design?

Why a tattoo? Here are my thoughts. Tattoos are a way of decorating the body. Similar to other fashion choices such as piercings and nail polish, they enhance the beauty of the body. Because of their permanent nature, however, they are also symbolic and usually have a meaning specific to the person that chooses the tattoo. They can be a way of commemorating an event or expressing a thought or belief that the person sees as deeply meaningful to them. Artistically, they allow a person to treat themselves as art, their body as their canvas. A combination of taste and creativity lets them make themselves as interesting and beautiful as they can be.

I love the fact that tattoos are an expression of the individual, something unique to them. I think they can be beautiful (I think mine will be).

There definitely has been and to some extent perhaps still is a social stigma associated with tattoos. I do not see it as being significant enough to discourage me from getting mine. In my field I won’t suffer any sort of negative reaction; most of my friends and colleagues have more visible decorations than I ever plan to. If my life ends up somewhere else, the size and placement is discreet enough that no one will know I have it unless I want them to.

As to why I’ve chosen my design: I first discovered the Celtic Cross when I bought my necklace at the salt mine outside of Salzburg. I wore it every day for years, until the string started to wear out. The knot is a symbol of infinity: no beginning or end. Irish Christians used it as a symbol for the Trinity: the three points of the triangle representing the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, the infinite nature representing the unity and infinity of God.

I love the idea of being marked with a representation of the Trinity, in a way reflecting my commitment to God, a commitment more permanent than my tattoo will ever be. The infinity of the knot sort of points to eternity and reminds me that I serve an infinite God and my soul will live forever. The Irish tradition reminds me that I come from Irish stock (as well as other stuff). The extra swirls added by Sarah complete the design aesthetically in a beautiful way and remind me of my friendship with her.

All of these reasons are long-lasting enough to make me comfortable with permanently marking this on my shoulder. I’m not going to outgrow my commitment to the Trinity, my eternity, or my heritage. The timing, me getting it next month, will commemorate my first year in New York. I will get it with Meg when she visits, which will also be a good bonding time for us.

Anyway, those are my thoughts. The reason I’m letting you all know about this before I get it done is because I expect that you may not be comfortable with the idea. I want to give you a chance to let me know any thoughts or concerns you may have. I really do want to hear from you--I can't promise to change my mind as a result of your comments, but I promise to seriously listen to and consider anything you have to say. I know this is a bit of a new thing for the family to handle, so please, anything you have to say, say it now.

It’s Sunday night. I have worked, churched, eaten, dishwashed. I now sit, with a crystal glass of whiskey chilled by frozen rocks beside me, and will pontificate to you all on the recent happenings in my life: physical, mental, emotional, and otherwise.

The previous sentence was primarily composed to fulfill my deep-felt need to use the word “pontificate”. Now I’ve used it twice.

It’s been an interesting week of contrasts; I could lamely refer to it as a tale of two concerts. But I won’t. Wednesday night I joined some girls from my small group at a Phil Wickham concert in Chelsea. But who is Phil Wickham, you may ask? I certainly was asking, never having heard of him. Turns out he’s a Christian solo musician/guitarist/vocalist type. The concert was at this old German Lutheran church a couple blocks from my job. It was packed out with youth groups and young professionals around my age. My favorite part of the evening was the contrast between the cathedral-style architecture of the building (lots of carved wood, columns, arches, etc) and the hipster-style concert complete with projection screens, colored lights, microphones, and young people. It was a funny juxtaposition. Musically, however, it was just average. OK music, but I didn’t really know any of the songs. Lots of talk about the sun and the moon and nature, apparently Wickham is very inspired by the creation. I actually felt out of place. There was lots of “Let’s give Jesus a hand” applause and such. Maybe I’m old and cynical now, but it was a little too youth-groupey and forced emotion-al for me. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed going, but I don’t know if I would again.

Thursday I brought 2 pans of blondies to work for my coworkers. I bring desserts every couple weeks to help boost morale at the end of the week and to give me an excuse to bake. To date, everything I’ve brought has always disappeared by the end of the day, usually before. So this week I decided to test my coworkers’ eating abilities and brought around 70 blondies. I laid down a challenge that they couldn’t eat them all; they pshawed and said they would have no problem. We set a time limit, and they failed. We extended the deadline and still they failed. Despite a couple of them almost eating themselves sick, at the end of the day there were still 6 blondies left. Theoretically, I’m supposed to never bake them anything again as a punishment, but that will never last. It would be more a punishment to me than it would be to them. But the bet was a good way to keep a fun atmosphere in the shop for the whole day.

Thursday night my ex-coworker Justin was performing with his band in Brooklyn. David from the shop, his girlfriend Hannah, and I were all planning on going. We got off work at 6 and the show didn’t start until 10, so I decided to hang with them before we headed down. David and I headed to a bar for beers after work, expecting to meet up with Hannah and her dad, who was visiting, there, but after we’d gotten our drinks we found out that Hannah and her dad were eating dinner at this fancy Spanish restaurant down the block. So we headed over there. And I ended up eating escargot, vegetable paella, and red wine with my friend, his girlfriend, and her dad. Paid for by her dad. It was a little weird and awkward, but I decided not to focus on that and enjoyed it.

After dinner we said goodbye to Hannah’s dad and the three of us headed down to Brooklyn for the show. We got there as the band was setting up, ordered beers, and said hey to Justin. He had this huge mountain man-beard the whole time he worked at the shop but had recently shaved it; I hardly recognized him. The set list was only like 7 or 8 songs; we stood up front the whole time, right next to Justin. He was bass guitarist and was very good. I really enjoyed the music, it was very strongly emotional and flowed well; I have no idea what the songs were about, but I liked them.

I got to talk with Hannah a good bit during the show, which was fun. At one point David yelled to me that he had just poured his beer accidentally down someone’s back. He walked Hannah back to the subway during the changeover to the next band; while they were gone a guy came over to me and said “I really loved that last band; they had great octaves.” I smilingly agreed and then cracked up after he left.

The contrast with the Phil Wickham concert couldn’t have been stronger. Instead of a cathedral, we were in a tiny hole-in-the-wall Brooklyn bar. Instead of a couple hundred youth group Christians, the audience was about a hundred 20-somethings Brooklynites in their trademark long hair and thrift-store clothes. But I felt much more at home with the Brooklyn kids. Maybe it was just that I enjoyed the music more. But the atmosphere was less forced and fake. I dunno.

I stayed through most of the set of the next band. Got to talk to Justin for a couple minutes, but he was pretty busy chatting and networking. Just after midnight I said goodbye to him and David and headed back on my long trek home. Made it back to the apartment around 1:15am. Fell straight asleep only to unaccountably wake up at 5am, wide awake and feeling tons of adrenaline pulsing through me. I read until I felt tired again, but woke up on the hour every hour until it was time to go to work. So ended up with only about 4 hours sleep for the night. Definitely felt it the next day, but whatever. It was worth it.

Friday was a good work day. Came home and fell asleep at 930; then worked all day on Saturday. After work I headed over to the Metropolitan to look at Alex’s set and talk about the sort of work he wants me to do. Ended up staying there for almost 2 hours talking and helping with some cleanup stuff. I think I’ll be working my weekends the next few weeks, but I’m really excited about the project. We’re turning the entire theatre into a deserted tenement building circa 1930. Lots of peeling wallpaper and plaster. I’m gonna do some samples on Tuesday to figure out methods; it should be fun.

This week has chugged by very well. Had dinner with my small group girls and then with Stephanie, both were fun. Lots of work, I did an extra day yesterday because we are behind and I didn’t have plans. But the work has generally been fun: good conversations and/or jokes with coworkers, good clients, general enjoyment of work.

I ate peanut butter and jelly sandwiches the whole week, due to a double desire not to cook and to save money. Finally sick of them and out of food, I went shopping last night and made a big batch of picadillo with black beans, yellow rice, and fried plantains. I also made a big batch of granola (goodbye, breakfast burritos, for the foreseeable future…), tons of blondies for my coworkers to eat tomorrow, and a loaf of beer bread. I’d been planning on trying to make it for a while, and was surprised by how easy it was. It’s quite good, but I may try a different, courser flour next time because the general purpose white flour makes it taste a little cake-like. I plan to make some delicious grilled cheese sandwiches later this week.

Looks like I’ll be doing some overhire theatre work over the next couple weeks. Alex from the Metropolitan is directing a show and designing the set for it, and has asked me to come in and do the painterly/finishing work. Apparently we’re turning the entire theatre into a tenement building apartment…should be really interesting and fun.

I had an Alexander Technique lesson this morning, a Christmas gift from Moody. It was quite enjoyable, though the teacher reminded me of my old voice teacher Mrs. Kingston quite a lot. I hope to go back for monthly lessons to continue my study of Alexander. This afternoon I got to talk to Laura and Mommy on the phone; it was lovely to hear from both of them.

Had a good quiet time this afternoon. I’ve been running around a lot the last few months and haven’t had many chances to pause and recenter and refocus. Today was a much needed time of all of that. It’s amazing how everything in life make so much more sense after you talk to God about it.

I’m going to a concert tonight with my small group featuring Phil Wickham. Never heard of him, but they are all excited so I hope it will be good. Tomorrow I’m going to Brooklyn after work to see my ex-coworker Justin’s band perform. Hopefully that will be good, too.

My general mood right now is in need of rejuvenation. Could just be the end of a long day of cooking and apartment cleaning (said apartment, I am proud to announce, is now spotless). But I’m tired and lack inspiration. I think it’s one of those things that only time can fix. Need to do some resting and recharging, but not get lazy. Tough balance there, sometimes.

Random tidbits to keep this post from ending on a downer note: my new nickname at work is “Ladyfingers”. Which I find amusing and mildly annoying at the same time because I DON’T have ladyfingers; I’m pretty strong, especially for a girl. Also, Andy, my boss, has synesthesia that associates people’s names with a particular food. Apparently I am orange caviar. Take that as you will.

Aaaaaand… we’re back!

My apologies for the long silence. This will be a short summary post, because I think that too much has happened in the last 2 months for me to go into detail on here. I hope to post more regularly for the foreseeable future. We will see how it goes…the best laid plans of mice and men and all that…

So what has been going on… let’s see. My life was consumed by my 2 shows in February. I was designing The Great Divide at the Metropolitan Playhouse and a new play called Messed Up Here Tonight at an apartment on the Upper East Side. I really enjoyed them both; they presented very different challenges and stretched me in different ways. They teched in the same week at the end of the month, so I was a little insane trying to get them both ready to open. I also got deathly ill for 2 weeks right in the middle of everything, but somehow we made it through. Great Divide was definitely much more involved and time consuming: it had a good sized set and I was extremely involved in the building and painting of it; I spent many many hours at the theatre. But I was very pleased with and proud of the results, and loved collaborating with the other members of the production team. See Facebook for photos of the finished product.

I don’t have any more shows lined up at the moment, and that is fairly intentional. I was spent by the time everything opened in March, and need a break for a bit. I want to take some time to work on a “paper project” design: doing the design of a large show from start to finish, complete with the sketches, drafting packet, model, paint elevations, and everything. The off-off Bway work I do here is too small-scale to generate a full design package; they simply don’t pay me enough to do all that. But I need to have something that demonstrates my current skill level, both for assisting-gig purposes and for grad school applications. Not to mention that it will be fun. So that’s the plan. First step is to pick my script…still working on that one.

The day that The Great Divide opened I started to receive my Spring Break visitors. James came up for several days and we had a lovely time. She was followed by a couple girls from WM, Remus, and then Christy. I really enjoyed everyone’s visits, more than I can say. It was great to spend time with my people, see new shows that I don’t see on my own (I managed Billy Elliot, Memphis, and Wonderland, all on Broadway in the course of 3 weeks), and hang out experiencing the city.

After my visitors left, I made a whirlwind visit home on my last weekend to see everyone and do my taxes. It was lovely to spend time with Mommy and Daddy, Remus, Melanie, and Tuffy, but was definitely far too short a trip. Need to go again soon.

Church and small group have been good, when I’ve been able to make it. I had to skip a lot in February because of my crazy schedule. My small group just finished a study of Captivating, which I enjoyed very much. Next I think we’re hearing everyone’s testimonies, which should be cool. We’re spending more time together outside group too, which is really good.

I haven’t had much time for culture outside of theatre, recently, but did manage to read through The Fountainhead, finally finishing it this week. It was good but took forever; I didn’t like it quite as much as Atlas Shrugged. Now I’m reading a book about the Greenwich Village from 1910-1960 called The Republic of Dreams. It is my first effort at learning some New York history and I’m enjoying it.

Work has been good, I still adore my job. Today was my 5 month anniversary of starting there; the time has really flown. I still really enjoy my coworkers and really enjoy the work. I’ve had a couple really cool clients recently too, which has been exciting.

So yeah, life it good. I cannot wait for the weather to warm up and the leaves to come out: Spring and Summer cannot get here soon enough. I’m still so blessed and happy to be where I am, doing what I’m doing with the people I’m doing it with. I can’t imagine life being much better than it currently is.

People Times

This past week has been a great one for people. Lots of good quality time with lots of good quality people. I was feeling lonely last week and like I didn’t have any friends in the city, but that has greatly lessened now.

For starters, on Tuesday I met my WM friend Stephanie for coffee down in the East Village. Great part of town which I love very much: it’s very artsy and hip in a younger, tattoo-covered, poverty-stricken kind of way. We walked around checking out various coffee joints that she had found online, and eventually settled on an incredible wine/espresso bar. I got two café au laits (very good, and I drank them with sugar…shocker. Kind of reminded me of BCN, James.) and a chocolate cream puff. We talked and generally had a great time catching up about everything.

After we finished I wandered around downtown and talked to Melanie on the phone for a bit. It was great to hear about her new house and the developments in her job, but I had to cut the conversation short to meet my second coffee date: Fallon from my small group. We’ve been paired up to be prayer partners so we met at Starbucks for a couple hours to talk and get to know each other better and share prayer requests. It was a good time; she’s a great girl and I think we’ll become good friends. And I enjoyed a Green Tea Lemonade while we talked, which I hadn't had in forever and thoroughly enjoyed.

On Wednesday I talked to Laura over skype: she on her computer and me on my cell phone. It was great to hear from her about what’s up in her and Anthony’s lives. We had a lovely chat, and then spent the afternoon cooking and helping Stephanie (the one I’m subletting from) to move downtown to her new room.

Thursday was a great day of work and fun. Work was good, a bit slow on the customer end because of all the snow on the ground (we got 19 inches Wednesday night), but I worked all day with David and we amused ourselves by chatting, being ridiculous, and laughing way more than was good for us at many excellent jokes. After work I met up with my small group leader Liz for dinner at the Chelsea Market. We walked all over and then got crepes; mine had tomato sauce, cheese, sausage, and mushrooms on it, she got ham and cheese. We sat and talked about life and books and work and the city until they kicked us out when they shut the Market down for the night.

Friday and Saturday were good work days except that Justin put in his two weeks notice because he got a full-time offer at his other job which pays lots more. We will miss him very very much. On Saturday I was kind of hyper at work and decided that I wanted a margarita, so after work I went to the Mexican place around the corner which does $3 frozen ones and is therefore our shop’s official hang out location. David decided to come too, and then his girlfriend Hannah showed up as well. We had fun hanging, drinking, and eating the addictive-and-free chips and salsa. I enjoyed getting to know Hannah a bit after hearing David talk about her so much. All in all I think we each drank 3 margaritas, but they were delicious. And Hannah paid, which made them even more excellent. :-P

Today was good, too. I slept unusually well last night and woke up this morning 2 hours before I had to leave, giving me time for a leisurely breakfast and quiet time. Work was good, not too crazy but lots of good clients with interesting art who spent lots of money. I got to talk to the parents after work, which was great, and then got to go to church. There was a cool street musician in the subway station on the way home playing really happy songs on a xylophone-esque instrument that made me smile.

This week I’ve been reading the book Eat, Pray, Love, which is basically a travel memoir about a woman who spends a year traveling to Italy, India, and Indonesia. I’m enjoying it; she has some interesting things to say. When I finish it I’m going to read The Fountainhead next, which I’m super excited about.

The other day at work we were discussing what the soundtrack to our lives would be. If you had to pick 2 or 3 songs for your life-soundtrack, what would they be? I think mine right now are Goodbye Yellow Brick Road by Elton John, and The Show Must Go On by Queen, and maybe The Zephyr Song by the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Three of my favorite songs; I don’t really actually know what about them makes them my life-soundtrack or why I love them so much, but I do. They speak to me on some level. What would your songs be?

I'm still alive

It’s been a while. I’ve been planning to update for forever, but have been lazy and busy. More busy I think, but whatever. I think updating here is good for me and I should do it more. It’s cathartic—I think through things as I type and usually learn something about myself in the process. It’s a good way of processing everything. And it keeps you lovely people on top of my life.

Can we start by saying: God is incredible. He has continued to provide for me more incredibly that I could ever have imagined or asked for. He gave me my job at the frame shop, which I really enjoy, more so than almost anyone I know likes their day job. I started praying in December that He would bring me another show at some point, and a couple days before Christmas He brought me a new show at the Metropolitan! Also more assisting work for Jon, the designer I assisted in the fall. Last week I did a lot of model building for him for a show that he was assisting on. He was very complimentary of my work, and I really enjoyed doing it.

The biggest and most recently amazing example of God’s provision, however, is my housing situation. My current sublet was through Feb 1, so ever since I got back from Christmas I’ve been looking for a new place to move to. I’ve visited a couple, but nothing really seemed like a perfect fit. Through a long series of events, though, it turns out that I get to stay here through the end of May! I am so grateful and excited. I love my room, I love my roommate, I love my neighborhood. I get tons of space for a fantastic price. It’s exactly what I need right now and God was so good to work it out for me to stay. In May there is a possibility that I’ll be signing on to the lease, or I may end up moving elsewhere. God will arrange all that, too. Right now, though, I am so psyched that I don’t have to move.

A couple weeks ago I took a trip down to Williamsburg to visit Sinfonicron during its build period. I took the bus to Baltimore after work on a Monday night, slept at Christy’s house, and we left at 615am and drove down. We arrived around 10am and wandered the halls of PBK saying hello to friends. We spent most of the afternoon talking to Dave and Matt, which was fantastic, and hanging out onstage and in the shop. That night we got dinner with Matt, Dave, Will, Rachel, and Meg, at one of our favorite Mexican joints. We stayed the night at Meg’s new house, and had lunch at Nawab and an Alexander Technique session with Joan, the department chair, on Wednesday. We left town at 4pm to get me to my bus in Baltimore to get me back to the city around midnight.

It was so good to see everyone again. I loved spending time with Christy again, in the car both ways, catching up and just discussing things. Got to spend quality time with Meg and see her house and meet her pets and roommate, which was great. Got to spend time with Matt, which was wonderful, as I consider him my mentor and partial life coach. I hadn’t seen him since August when he left me in the city to finish his show. It was great to update him on everything that’s happened since and get his reactions and advice on things. He got his fill of teasing me, of course: the first thing he did after giving me a hello hug was to comment on the new metal in my face and go to find the biggest magnet he could to see if it would stick to my eyebrow ring. Luckily for me it’s stainless steel and not magnetic. :-P He gave me good advice about continuing to build my career up here, and we’re in talks about me maybe doing some work for him over the summer.

It was a weird, though; this trip made me realize how much I have changed since August. I love Matt’s advice and always listen to it and usually agree with it, but this time I realized very distinctly that I am not Matt and that I approach life in a very different way. He is very much the self-made type and worked incredibly hard for the success that he had when he was in the city. He kept advising me that I needed to keep pushing and contacting people and putting myself out there. Which is true in one sense. But on another level, not at all true. I realized that my career will be very different from Matt’s because I’m not the one running it; God is. My job is to do my best and trust Him for the results and to care more about being where He wants me than about succeeding on a worldly level. I still have every intention of working as hard as I can and I hope I succeed, but that is not my main point.

I was exhausted when I finally got back to the city late Wednesday night. It had snowed (my bus almost got cancelled!), but I dragged myself to the subway and rode home, just trying to stay awake long enough to make it there. Right after I got off the train I realized that my cell phone had slipped out of my pocket and disappeared. Try as I might the next day, I couldn’t find it, it was gone. So I went cell-phone-less for two days, in the process discovering that I am way too attached to my phone and feel naked without it. Eventually I made it to a Verizon store and got a fancy schmancy new blackberry to replace it. All my contacts on my old phone were lost, but I’m slowly building them back up. And I like the new phone a lot. It’s very sleek and it’s great to have access to my email and the internet while I’m at work or around town. I need to be more accessible for design work, so it’s nice to have a smartphone.

Work has been going well, overall. We were really slow for a bit, but things are picking back up now. Have had lots of fun with coworkers this past week, it’s been good. Today was weird and crazy: the morning was relaxed and fun and then in the afternoon I got really frazzled and out of it. I’m resting tonight so I’ll be fine tomorrow.

In the spirit of Remus, I will now describe my recent cooking adventures. A couple weeks ago I made picadillo, which was incredible. Although I burned 2 pots of rice in the process, which I never do. I’ve decided our stove is weird or something. To go with the picadillo I made fried plantains, which are readily available at my grocery. They were delicious. I fried them in butter and ate them with the picadillo. I have since fried them and eaten them plain or sprinkled with parmesan cheese. Very delicious. Last week it was spaghetti with chorizo in a basil tomato sauce. Also very good, the chorizo was a nice change. This week I made poppy seed chicken without the poppy seeds. My grocery doesn’t sell them (crazy, right?) so I left them out. It’s still good. I also made a big batch of chocolate chip cookies with walnuts and took them to work on Thursday. They were very popular—I need to come up with more ideas of things to bake for my shop. Everyone is very appreciative and I like making their days a little better with the contribution of baked goods. Any suggestions?

I’ve been reading a lot, still. I reread The Great Gatsby, thoroughly enjoying it, read The Empty Space (one of the theatre books Melanie gave me for Christmas), also good, and today finished A Tree Grows in Brooklyn. Next up is a book called Lighthousekeepers, which is a recommendation of my friend Sarah. She is reading the Hobbit and LOTR on my recommendation, so I’m reading her suggestions in return.

My recent obsession when I have a free minute is Gilmore Girls. An excellent TV show: it has heart and great characters that you love and identify with and excellent fast-paced witty dialogue. I started with Season 2 and now am almost done with Season 1. It’s great.

Musically speaking I just got into Kelley McRae. She’s a Brooklyn-based singer/songwriter, kind of folk in style. She performed a few songs at a Redeemer artists’ meeting that I was at last week and I was blown away. I now have her most recent CD and have been listening to it nonstop. I’ve also started Pandora stations of Passion Pit and The Kinks on coworkers’ recommendations. They’re ok, I’m giving them a chance and we’ll see what happens.

So Life is Good. Incredibly good. I feel so blessed and I’m very happy. I was telling my friend David the other day that I feel like I’m bipolar without the depression part. Just very very happy. Obviously things get hard sometimes, but I know that I’m where I’m supposed to be, I’m loving what I’m doing, and God is taking excellent care of me.